


Handsome Jack Goes Grocery Shopping

by novakid



Category: Borderlands
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-24 00:58:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6135958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/novakid/pseuds/novakid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That's it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Handsome Jack Goes Grocery Shopping

Once every few weeks, Handsome Jack made a visit to the Helios Supermarket to do some grocery shopping. 

Although he had a lot time on his hands, and enough money and power to simply hire someone to go shopping for him, it was always important to show his dear corporate drones that he too had a life like the rest of them. 

There was also always that thrill of getting something that wasn’t on his usual grocery list. The last time he had gone shopping by himself, he bought a different brand of cereal than his usual. Pleasant surprises such as those made it all worth it. 

In his cozy Hyperion jammies and robe, he arrived at the market, shopping cart in tow. 

It sure did warm his heart to see all his fellow employees practically fall to their knees at the sight of him. Was it expected? Mandatory? So what! It was the concept that counted, Jack thought to himself. 

He went through aisle to aisle, collecting all the things he need. It took him a good five minutes in the meat section whether he wanted to buy chicken for the week, or beef. If he were any less of a fucking genius, he would have thrown both in. But knowing that one of them would be ignored because of his busy schedule, he only needed one. 

Jack turned to a shaky woman next to him who had been trying to get close enough to the lamb chops without aggravating Jack. “Heya, sweetheart. Do me a favour, will ya? I’m at a loss here. What should I get? Beef? Or chicken?”

With a trembling hand, she pointed at the beef. “Th-That’s free of preservatives. It’s much healthier…”

“AH!” He exclaimed with a booming voice. “Thank yoooooou, sugartits.” He slam dunked the beef into the cart and continued on. 

Next were eggs. Upon seeing Handsome Jack approach that aisle, the other patrons scattered. The only one else left in the aisle was the poor worker stocking the fridge with more eggs. 

Handsome Jack went over behind the boy, probably in his early twenties, and slapped his rough, strong hands on his shoulders, shouting as he did. The boy shrieked and jumped. As he turned to look around, a flash of horror overcame his face. And hell, if there was one thing that Jack loved, it was how people's’ eyes bugged out when they were scared. 

“Heeeeya pal.” He leaned over the boy’s shoulder until his lips were almost touching his ear. He whispered sweetly, “Get me some eggs. The brown ones.”

He kept the closeness of the two as the boy slowly grabbed a carton of eggs with such care and delicacy. Jack took them, placed them in the cart. 

“Now. I need you to do _ oooooone  _ more thing for me. What’s your name?”

“Shawn.”

“Right, now, Steven, I need you to take one of those eggs, just one, out and hold it.”

Shawn did so, and Jack grabbed the kid’s wrist, kissed the egg, and smashed it into the kid’s fucking dumb face. Yolk and all dripped down onto his shirt and then the floor. 

Handsome Jack cackled wildly as he rolled his cart out from the aisle. 

Time for the breakfast aisle.

If there was one thing Handsome Jack could never get enough of, even when he was watching his health, it was delicious waffles with chocolate chips made with them. Just the thought made his mouth water. 

Which was why he was horrified to see when a little snot nosed brat was taking the last box of Kellogg’s Eggo Chocolate Chip Waffles. The boy put it into his mother’s cart. She was too occupied to notice Handsome Jack at first. 

That changed quickly, as Jack rammed his fucking cart into hers, knocking her down on her ass while her child screamed in fear. 

He plucked the box right out of her cart and dropped it into his own. 

The rest of his shopping was simple and uneventful. Fruits, vegetables, and starches. Everyone was smart enough not to get in Jack’s way. 

Last on the list was his favourite. Snacks! 

He made his way to the snack aisle. Sugary treats galore, it was almost like heaven on Pandora. Out of all the things, he never listed anything in his snack category when he went to go shopping. Each time, it was always a new surprise. In fact, he almost felt like a kid in a toys tore on Mercenary’s Day. 

“Mmm. What do you feel like, Jack?” He said to himself, in a singsong voice. “Chocolate pretzels? Oooh, what if they have the birthday cake flavoured kind?”

With a skip in his step, he rolled his cart down the aisle. There were two other people; a short nerdy fuck with glasses, and a tall prissy looking fuck with a robot arm. The taller fuck looked so posh. For some reason, it pissed Jack off. He was talking so much, too, so that he didn’t even notice Jack as he approached the two. 

And how could he possible continue on with his happy day without ruining someone else’s who wasn’t paying attention to him right away?

As Jack came closer, he finally caught the attention of both of the two fucks. Slowly, but surely, a look of pure awe graced both their faces. There it was! 

Jack sneered and hacked a bit, before spitting out a beautifully crafted loogie onto the tall fuck’s face. 

The CEO continued on his merry way, grabbing a few bags of his desired chocolate pretzels. He was content to hear in hushed words behind him; “Oh my GOD; Vaughn! Handsome Jack spit on my face! Take a picture with him behind me, hurry!”

On his way out, Jack began to run with his cart, until it took off. He brought his feet up on it so that he could ride easily on it. He and his cart rode pass the cashiers and out of the super market. 

He rode the shopping cart the whole way back to his pent house. 


End file.
